Kindness is NOT the answer. The problem of bullying (Part 2)

Part 2: How I deal with bullying when my kids come home hurt

Read Part 1 of Kindness is NOT the Answer

Part 2

My kids and I have come up with a ritual for when they come home hurt about some kid’s unkindness. I empathize with them about the unkindness in this world. I sit with them being hurt and sad about the incident. “You feel so disappointed, so hurt by what this child did. I feel that too for you.” When I see my children gathering their strength, ready to move on, I say, “I’m sorry that this happened to you. The only thing good that can come out of this is you knowing how this feels and it making you careful not to make anyone else feel this way and also this makes you stronger because while it hurts, that kid didn’t take anything away from you. You didn’t let him because you weren’t unkind back. Probably, that child has experienced unkindness so they think it is how you deal with things.” And then after a long dramatic pause that is so predictable for my kids that their giggles start before I say it, “….and don’t worry, Mommy is going to school to kick the kid tomorrow.” This makes my kids erupt in laughter at the farcical idea that I would ever march into school and hurt anyone, let alone a child.

Over the years, it has become our parting wrap-up on our debriefing sessions. It has gotten to the point that sometimes we can skip the whole discussion and wrap it up very quickly and move on. The other day my sixteen-year-old daughter told me that a friend of hers had told her that a boy in one of her classes at her new school had called her a “brick” which unbeknownst to me, at the time, is calling her “stupid”. She looked upset as she told me how sad she felt on hearing this and how flustered she gets now in the class shared with this boy. We were about to start processing the incident when she looked up at me and said “But its ok, you are going to go in and kick him, right?” I knew she needed to hear me say it. It was the bow on our processing and today she was telling me we can skip the processing but I still need you to put the final bow on it and I obliged. “You better believe it baby. I’ll be in that classroom first thing in the morning. One question, though, is he big? Should I wear my boots?” She looked at me and laughed. “Thanks, Mom. I have to go study now.”

The times that my husband has heard these exchanges with my kids, he has opened his eyes wide and stared at me, wondering how I could seemingly condone a violent, unkind response (one pulled off by me, nonetheless) to one of my kids who is feeling hurt by unkindness. His shocked and questioning looks as my kids and I have melted into laughter has made me think this one through. Psychologically, I think there is so much at play as I offer to go in to school and avenge my child. First, I am sharing the depth of my feelings. A hurt so deep that it calls from me a desire to respond. I am normalizing that they feel deeply, that it hurts deeply. I am telling them “I am sitting in this boat with you.” Their story has moved me and I have sat down right next to them. By sharing with them my rage about what has happened to them, a fantasy of returning that pain, I normalize that feeling too, saying it is ok to feel so mad that you want to act, that you want to hurt the person who gave you pain. I am not allowing them to think that their first desire is shameful. Shame I am convinced is the giver of small deaths. I have delivered two of my parenting messages: I am in this boat with you and do not feel ashamed that you are here. My kids know we are just talking and that Mommy will not show up at school ready to kick anyone but I am helping them again, to not feel alone in this boat. Also, I am giving them the opportunity to take power back, agency they may have felt robbed of during and after the bullying. When they were little and first started hearing my quip, they would say “No, Mommy you can’t do that. I don’t want you to do that.” In that moment, they again have the power in the relationship with the bully and they are choosing kindness, to protect that child from threat. I had given them back their power and gave them the choice to be kind. Also, I am reinforcing another parenting message of mine, feelings are always what they are, there is no wrong in feeling, but there is wrong in acting. Feelings are not wrong but behaviors can be.

One day, my child gets in the car and tells me that a teacher announced in front of the whole class that she did not like my child’s creative writing piece that it was bad and he would have to do it again.

Read Part 3 of Kindness is NOT the answer